Thoughts vomit

Hi there!! It's me again *yeah yeah since it's my blog of course it will be me*
Mr thoughtful decided to pay me a visit.
Amd
That
Makes
Me
Think
So
Much
Like
Right
Now.
......

I still cannot decide what am i going to be in the near future which will be in 2 years time. Since that will be when my degree be finishing.
I don't want to regrety whole life knowing that i chose to gave up everything just to live a normal life. What i mean is that i do not want to regret in giving up my dream , my passion just to live a life that people wanted me to.
A part of me wanted to proof them wrong. But i am scared of wasting my time away and i am scared that even if i do, no one will even support me because they will think that it will be such a stupid decision to make. I dont want that..
I've always been special.
I think differently.
I act different.
I can read faces.
I'm full of secrets.
I am so different from my frirnds because they are going the right way in which im lacking off. They don't bend the way i do and i'm ashame of myself. I blamed and still blaming myself. I'm such a black sheep of the family. I can never say it out loud. I can never act what i want. I have to stay strong to keep my family name clean.

It is that serious. I guess you figured out mydarkest secret?

I don't want to be call names. I wont do it to others because i know how painful it can get deep inside and no one can help you because it is meant to be kept and suffer for ownself.
People like me deserve to suffer though because i am a walking sin. A mortal sin. I've admitted to myself not long ago and realised i have no turning back. So my friend. My dear friend. If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Keep it a secret and never let me know.
Even if i die, or disappear, promise me to forever keep it.

I feel like dying? Yes. When you figured out something and admit defeat to ownself, and that sonething is bad, you want to live but its hard because all you can think is death.

It's not i wanted to be like this. Act this way. I was born this way. I will always hate myself.

Thats why my friends ask me why am i helping others so much.

My answer : i know how painful it is deep inside when u need help and support. Even a silent support is desperately needed.

They gave me questioning look. I know i might not make sense. But i will never going to see the light after my death because i walk and sin mortally. Therefore i will help people to live a happier life and reduce pain. I help all i can. I pray for them. I'm not putting up a show now. I just really hope i can help.

People think im a freak and a loner and anti social.

I cant do what normal people do though. Im not telling why because the reason is obvious.

I am not ready to tell me best friend about myself though i suspected that they knew. I am just a coward who is afraid of losing and being abondened.

So please forgive me.

I think i had vomitted enough thoughts.

Till here then
Im signing off..

Rom
Xoxo

Photo retweeted from @relatablequote from twitter.