Life and misery

Hi readers..(not sure if anyone's reading this, maybe i am just talking to my blog itself)

I know im not a really loyal blogger. :) sorry for that. If you really finish reading my misery, i thank you with everything.

Its gonna be me rambling about my worries again. I'll get straight to ramble.

It is eating me inside out. Every moment every ticking second, i am having this internal self war. I have no clue and i am not sure what i want to do in my life. My future.

I am not talking about love. I have never love and probably never will love. Yeah yeah. I am a coward. Im just afraid of getting hurt. I never like getting hurt even physically. I know i should not be talking about love but i cant stop after getting in this stupid thing called love. Watching my crush stepping out without making a sound and still keeping my smile on. Yes. I have had several crush. Both genders included. I am not ashamed of saying this but i am afraid. Afraid of how people will see me. Afraid of how my friends will react. But i hope that to those who really trust me will not hurt me with words. Saying it here is better than the real confrontation. I never like confrontation because its either i get hurt or the other party get hurt.

Internal war of thoughts. Not thoughts of success. I am so scared of what is going to come into my life. What am i in the near future. Where will i be. Will it bey dream job or will i be what i think and dream of what i will be.? Everything is a mess. And by every passing second, the goal that i originally held on to starts to fade and diaappear. It is getting blurry. The road ahead used to shine so bright but now it is getting foggy. Seeing how my friends move on and walk down their path smoothly scares me. I thought giving up life once or twice. But the thoughts of disappointingmy parents and best friends halt my action. I am thankful for that. Maybe it was one part of the spiritual support they sent me unconsciously.

Have you ever thought of leaving this world so that you will have never to suffer from being a mess in life and being a mess in others people life where they have to watch out for youeven when they have their own partner and family to take care of? I did. And it is cutting me slowly and painfully. I do not want to be a load for my friend and family. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to be succesful. But i cant do it now. Maybe the me in the past few months can. But not now. I'm a weakling, a coward and someone who loses his goal slowly. You might think i wrote this and realiaze and gonna do changes to my own negative perspective. The answer is YES. I did and it was not working. All thoughts of strenghten up leads to one decision... death. I am scared. I wanted to live on. But something is holding me back. It's like i've been chained up and i don't like that. I wanted to spread my wings and fly. I wanted to be free. I wanted to give my dream a try. I wanted the people i love to support me. I wanted the people i love to tell me it's okay to fall. I wanted them to catch me. I wanted a shoulder to cry on. It scares me when i think there will be no one at the bottom of the cliff when i try to fly and i drop.

Dear people i love so much. Can you see me through the shining journey of yours.?Can you see me who is now surrounded by fog of despair.?
I won't expect too much. But i really hope you'll be there when i need you most. Any of you who really do care. I know i am pathetic and silly for even questioning the bonds and tie between us. But i just want assurance.

I love you all. And i will try to think straight. I need time. But time dont need me. They fly so fast so smooth that i cant catch up.
I am always the one that left behind.
Hahaha
Pathetic i know.

You never probably will know how it feels like to smile when your heart hurt so much from the wounds that you yourself just stiched up. It still bleed but not much. It hurts to smile. I am not as strong as you think i am. My facade will not break in front of anyone. Maybe a little but it wont get off completely. I am sure there is really no one who knows anyone deep to the core of their heart.

If i ever look through this post again in my near future, i will comment here and tell you all how succesful i am.

Smile. They said. I smile. Live your dreams. They said.... but its not true. I'm living now to catch my dream but people keep pushing me down and let my dreams flutter away.
I am really sad....

So if anyone of you is now reading this line and you are not thinking of how stupid i am, i love you. If you are thinking of how stupid i am for posting this and all those thoughts, i love you too for giving your attention to me.

I love you all.. thank you for listening. I really do.

Xoxo