Thoughts vomit

Hi there!! It's me again *yeah yeah since it's my blog of course it will be me*
Mr thoughtful decided to pay me a visit.
Amd
That
Makes
Me
Think
So
Much
Like
Right
Now.
......

I still cannot decide what am i going to be in the near future which will be in 2 years time. Since that will be when my degree be finishing.
I don't want to regrety whole life knowing that i chose to gave up everything just to live a normal life. What i mean is that i do not want to regret in giving up my dream , my passion just to live a life that people wanted me to.
A part of me wanted to proof them wrong. But i am scared of wasting my time away and i am scared that even if i do, no one will even support me because they will think that it will be such a stupid decision to make. I dont want that..
I've always been special.
I think differently.
I act different.
I can read faces.
I'm full of secrets.
I am so different from my frirnds because they are going the right way in which im lacking off. They don't bend the way i do and i'm ashame of myself. I blamed and still blaming myself. I'm such a black sheep of the family. I can never say it out loud. I can never act what i want. I have to stay strong to keep my family name clean.

It is that serious. I guess you figured out mydarkest secret?

I don't want to be call names. I wont do it to others because i know how painful it can get deep inside and no one can help you because it is meant to be kept and suffer for ownself.
People like me deserve to suffer though because i am a walking sin. A mortal sin. I've admitted to myself not long ago and realised i have no turning back. So my friend. My dear friend. If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Keep it a secret and never let me know.
Even if i die, or disappear, promise me to forever keep it.

I feel like dying? Yes. When you figured out something and admit defeat to ownself, and that sonething is bad, you want to live but its hard because all you can think is death.

It's not i wanted to be like this. Act this way. I was born this way. I will always hate myself.

Thats why my friends ask me why am i helping others so much.

My answer : i know how painful it is deep inside when u need help and support. Even a silent support is desperately needed.

They gave me questioning look. I know i might not make sense. But i will never going to see the light after my death because i walk and sin mortally. Therefore i will help people to live a happier life and reduce pain. I help all i can. I pray for them. I'm not putting up a show now. I just really hope i can help.

People think im a freak and a loner and anti social.

I cant do what normal people do though. Im not telling why because the reason is obvious.

I am not ready to tell me best friend about myself though i suspected that they knew. I am just a coward who is afraid of losing and being abondened.

So please forgive me.

I think i had vomitted enough thoughts.

Till here then
Im signing off..

Rom
Xoxo

Photo retweeted from @relatablequote from twitter.

Inner me. Inner Rom.

Hi silent readers.

As you all know my self declare crisis... its still ongoing only thing is its getting better.

I've been through a lot. Asking herr and there. What i got was, people who are not borned with silver spoon and silk cloth, have to postpose their dreams before they try to catch them again.

As for me. My dream only allowed me to grab them while i am still young. Age matters for my dream and i am very sad and hurt to say at least. I cant reach them. I watched them slipped away. I cried and i could not and cannot do anything.

I'm embracing the truth bits by bits. The reality. The pain. I know i am always those dramitic type. Making a big fuss over something. But that's me. That' s what the topic today is about.

There is thi voice inside of me telling me to try. Ty and catch my dream. But who am i kidding with. That dream is so far away and without any support i can't reach it.

It is getting farer now. I can barely see it now. Some people just do not understand the pain and they kept on saying things that hurt and pained you like bitch. Life is hard. But it is too hard for me. I can barely breathe. Kept stuck inside a room with four walls. Cant get out and fly. I wanted someone to tell me :-
"it is okay to try, come back home when you fall, i will help you stand again."
No one seems to really know me.
I'm scared of being forgotten and abondened.
I cannot be alone.

He is lack of love, they said.
He is stupid, they said.
He is so insecure, they said.

I am wondering about those too. What have i done to deserve such life with so many thoughts while my driends live and stay carefree, of course some trouble here and there but nothing like mine.

I am babbling again. Well that's why i'm here anyway. Friends and families read my blog. I know but they just kept as quiet as an empty room. Even empty room gives echo.

I'm really hoping someone would be there everytime i fall. Someone who could be there to support me. I told them this.
They told me i think too much. All you need is either a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But they dont do that. They might be there but they cant always stand you unles they really do care about you like they care for themselves.

I am not desperate. I vow to walk alone. I just need support. I believe in hope.
Though a sinner like me should never really hope much.
I tried hope and hope high and huge. I ended up falling so hard that i dont even dare to tell anyone. And here i am again hoping high and huge. Soaring through the sky with just one little dream. I can see myself falling though. I just hope i land safely.

Beautiful stranger.
Crossed my life mysteriously.
Beautiful stranger.

I just hope that everything will turn out fine.
I just hope that i get to find a job after this.
I just hope i get to be normal.
I just hope i can get a peaceful life.
I just hope that i will be fine soon.

Thabks for reading this. Its like reading this with me and being here for me spiritually.
Drop me some comment if u want too. A smiley will do. :)

I'm signing off. See you soon.

Isaacrom
Xoxo

Life and misery

Hi readers..(not sure if anyone's reading this, maybe i am just talking to my blog itself)

I know im not a really loyal blogger. :) sorry for that. If you really finish reading my misery, i thank you with everything.

Its gonna be me rambling about my worries again. I'll get straight to ramble.

It is eating me inside out. Every moment every ticking second, i am having this internal self war. I have no clue and i am not sure what i want to do in my life. My future.

I am not talking about love. I have never love and probably never will love. Yeah yeah. I am a coward. Im just afraid of getting hurt. I never like getting hurt even physically. I know i should not be talking about love but i cant stop after getting in this stupid thing called love. Watching my crush stepping out without making a sound and still keeping my smile on. Yes. I have had several crush. Both genders included. I am not ashamed of saying this but i am afraid. Afraid of how people will see me. Afraid of how my friends will react. But i hope that to those who really trust me will not hurt me with words. Saying it here is better than the real confrontation. I never like confrontation because its either i get hurt or the other party get hurt.

Internal war of thoughts. Not thoughts of success. I am so scared of what is going to come into my life. What am i in the near future. Where will i be. Will it bey dream job or will i be what i think and dream of what i will be.? Everything is a mess. And by every passing second, the goal that i originally held on to starts to fade and diaappear. It is getting blurry. The road ahead used to shine so bright but now it is getting foggy. Seeing how my friends move on and walk down their path smoothly scares me. I thought giving up life once or twice. But the thoughts of disappointingmy parents and best friends halt my action. I am thankful for that. Maybe it was one part of the spiritual support they sent me unconsciously.

Have you ever thought of leaving this world so that you will have never to suffer from being a mess in life and being a mess in others people life where they have to watch out for youeven when they have their own partner and family to take care of? I did. And it is cutting me slowly and painfully. I do not want to be a load for my friend and family. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to be succesful. But i cant do it now. Maybe the me in the past few months can. But not now. I'm a weakling, a coward and someone who loses his goal slowly. You might think i wrote this and realiaze and gonna do changes to my own negative perspective. The answer is YES. I did and it was not working. All thoughts of strenghten up leads to one decision... death. I am scared. I wanted to live on. But something is holding me back. It's like i've been chained up and i don't like that. I wanted to spread my wings and fly. I wanted to be free. I wanted to give my dream a try. I wanted the people i love to support me. I wanted the people i love to tell me it's okay to fall. I wanted them to catch me. I wanted a shoulder to cry on. It scares me when i think there will be no one at the bottom of the cliff when i try to fly and i drop.

Dear people i love so much. Can you see me through the shining journey of yours.?Can you see me who is now surrounded by fog of despair.?
I won't expect too much. But i really hope you'll be there when i need you most. Any of you who really do care. I know i am pathetic and silly for even questioning the bonds and tie between us. But i just want assurance.

I love you all. And i will try to think straight. I need time. But time dont need me. They fly so fast so smooth that i cant catch up.
I am always the one that left behind.
Hahaha
Pathetic i know.

You never probably will know how it feels like to smile when your heart hurt so much from the wounds that you yourself just stiched up. It still bleed but not much. It hurts to smile. I am not as strong as you think i am. My facade will not break in front of anyone. Maybe a little but it wont get off completely. I am sure there is really no one who knows anyone deep to the core of their heart.

If i ever look through this post again in my near future, i will comment here and tell you all how succesful i am.

Smile. They said. I smile. Live your dreams. They said.... but its not true. I'm living now to catch my dream but people keep pushing me down and let my dreams flutter away.
I am really sad....

So if anyone of you is now reading this line and you are not thinking of how stupid i am, i love you. If you are thinking of how stupid i am for posting this and all those thoughts, i love you too for giving your attention to me.

I love you all.. thank you for listening. I really do.

Xoxo