My trust

Hi everyone...
It had been a while since i updated.
Today topic, we will talk about my trust to my friends.

This is gomna be a touchy topic. I am sure that few of them will be reading this. And i am aware that i am putting myself in what kind of situation. But i cannot care much anymore. I cannot bottled up more of these emotions anymore. It hurts facing reality.

I realised that although i knew alot of people, but i am only sticking out with just a few of them.
2 totally different gangs actually.
One gang where i have to be a calm person, and the other gang where i can show my colors.

Being with the group where i have to be calm is sometimes tiring. Chat topics are so limited. In the group, i feel so leftout sometimes because they do things i think it is not rational and some are just plain stupid. I have no power to voice out because i am the only one that opposed. I dont dislike them. I just cannot really cope with their footsteps. It seems like that they are on a boat and i am on the other trying to tie two boats together on a stormy rain out in the sea. Everything is not stable. We can be full of topics and suddenly we would even split into sub groups. I just dont know if it is alright to just start distaning myself.
But there is this one person which i consider and make as my most important person. I care about that person alot. And i am just worried about that person every single time.

~~sigh ~~

The second group will be where i can really shine as me, myself. Its like i dont have to be tense being with them. They dont judge me for who i am. They talk about things i can mix myself in. They do things that i can participate. Its just all good things happened here. Most. There will be times where they do things that i cant take part but they will really tell me in advance or warn me first.

.....

I am tired of all this. Being so dramatic. I am sensitive. Some wouldnt know and never will know. Seeming that distaning myself will be the best solution out there, for me, for everyone.

I have been observing everyone of them very closely without beeing noticed. And hell i even jotted down sometimes. Its just kind of upsetting seeing the results. So far only 3 are able to reach certain higher levels and gain more trust from me. And i wanted them to reach the highest level as soon as possible. I have a lot to tell. So please. I am pathetic i know. I really know.

Besides that, when we are growing up, our bonds tends to tighten. That is only if we grew up together. But why!? Why is that we are breaking and now hanging loosely?
Or am i being delusional? Can i cry? Or should i laugh about it?
I know what you think about me. No, more like i understand how you all think.
Sometimes i even wonder that why am i even bornmand why am i living this shitty life where all i wanted was like the opposites. It is not about what i need and wants. It is about the upside down of my life. It was not supposed to be this way. I just dont understand.

Can you feel my frustration? Can you?

I am a loner in real life. I tends to hide myself. I am not confident enough. I am not manly build enough. I tends to get laugh a lot. And yeah like i said i am very very sensitive.

I dont know if there will even be people who would really give a shit to really know me.
And that is when i hope that one day i will be able to tell you all of my bottled up files of secrets. From darkest and to the core of me. Bringing you to the island of secrets within me.

I am sorry for babbling so much and if this post hurt you, please forgive me.

Thank you for reading......
Xoxo.