About Me

My photo
Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia
I myself think that I'm nice. You don't and never assume you yourself as bad guy right? make sense... I'm friendly. <3 But I'm the shy type. I don't really open up to people I just met if we ever do meet~ Anyway, nice meeting you all!!


Counting days and down to earth

Hi readers.

Just as what the title says, i'm counting down and getting back to reality. The dreadful day is finally here. 2 and a half day to be exact.

Part of me is nervous, scared, and there is a little tiny weeny bit of me is excited. New challenges and new obstacles are bound to come. And as if i'm alright with it, the world don't. They hate me to disrupt my dream. *here we go again*... fine. I ain't want to touch that topic anyway.

And to mend my dream a bit, just a bit, i want to see if there is this singing club or maybe dancing club ( wtf! I cant even dance and sing well... but i do dance and sing in shower.. that count right??? )
Yeah that might mend my broken heart a bit before society ends me 2 years later.

Just as you know, i am very extremely sensitive and emotional. I ain't being called girly and cry baby for no reason. And i wonder why people even bother to care and tease when others are in a miserable stat. That is just so immoral. Like u drop ur ice cream and i step on it and eat mine in front of your face. You like that huh? I just somehow cannot understand how these people think. Making fun of others is ther specialty??? Well.. maybe..

Everything's gonna be alright. I know I know. I experienced before. Remember i went for a 6 months internship in Sinagapore alone too? Yup. I can manage. But only this time it includes a big sacrifice. My dream job. Just so to satisfy my family. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel so bad for myself as i cant even get myself what i want. Like fight for it. That is all bullshit. When your current condition don't allowed you to, no matter how hard you fought for it, you'llnever get what you want. Unless there is miracle.

And oh, someone told me "miracles do happen, jusy keep believing."
And then i was like "am i suppose to? I believe in them then and it breaks me."

Dream is always and forever beautiful. It forms and becomes whatever you want and how you want it. You are free. Free from restriction. Free from constriction. You don't need facade. You are just momentarily you. That is why it is beautiful.

Call me stupid for saying that means you are trap under the curse of the society, unable to dream happy dreams. It is partially true, hands up and agree with me. Society changes people.
Not to say everyone is evil and bad. But u get the hang of it. We watch out for every step we take. Never look back. They told me. Never.ever.look.back.

At first i never understand what does it really means. But as time goes by, i get a hang of it and i realise i should never have look back.
Depression and regrets is what attack you first. Even though u got succession in the past but those will get overshadowed by those mistakes and things you regret you have had done. It is a dark path behind you. That's why there is always this saying "there is no turning back" ....

Why am i even saying all these? Yeah yeah. I am not some counselor. Just i feel like sharing.since this is a blog and it was meant to share thoughts and feelings.

Got a surprise for ya!!!









Yup. Ooops. Friendzone. Yup. No turning back. Imma gonna be the best friend and wish and walk with this friend till the days we are going to break apart. I will always be there to support... i just hope our blossoming friendship last long. :) i'm not sad. Just surprise that i actually manage to crush on this friend. Too sudden and the urge is still strong. Hahahaha.. pathetic.. lets just stay friends and since there is no forever, then let us stay friends as long as we can manage. :)

Worst feeling ever huh!? But i am getting use to it. I've crushed few times before it is nothing new. So don't worry.. maybe it'll go way after a few years.. let us all hug and make peace.

Wish me luck...



Breaaking news

Hi readers.

Mr. crappy-paranoid-pants is back.

and I have just reformatted my precious computer. and i swear i almost cried during the backup process.
500GB hard-disk and what!? FULL in an instant. In.A.Instant.
and I found I have got a lot of files and trash and craps that I have no idea existed in my computer storage till this morning.
And then my mum beside me keep chanting on how much junk i have and how those are rubbish.
And i was like "hello!? excuse you! THOSE ARE GOLD!" (i'M NOT BEING RUDE, I'm being sarcastic and she knew)...

And oh if you find the adfly thingy annoying, I'm sorry? but I wanted to give it a try.
AFTER 5 SECOND, just click SKIP AD on the right hand side top corner.


Okay enough of my crap. Now to the real topic of the day. TOTD
I'm finally going over to study.Over to where?
I'm going to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia for my degree(postgraduate).
I'm excited yet I'm worried because I don't really like Kuala Lumpur. Heard that it was a place with chaos and yeah more to chaotic side though there's still a small good part about it and I can hardly tell you what is the good part. You tell me? Lol.

For those who have like no idea where Kuala Lumpur is, It is located at the west part of Malaysia. Though I'm a Malaysian, I never really travel within my own country and Kuala Lumpur being one of the country I never been to. Wait, not to say never been to. I've been to there once for our Student Government inter-school conference meeting. As a Vice President Admin(Typing this shamelessly) I have been given opportunity to lead my team there. Though not for travel purposes so I assumed I've never been there before.

I'm going to be studying in INTI University Subang. University under Laureatte. And from what I heard, if I can manage to study well and get good results, they'll send us off as exchange student to BLUE MOUNTAINS in Australia. And that catches my attention so much. Since I can't pursue my dream course(Linguistic) and being stuck at the same field, why not give it a try right? although it wasn't an exchange course I wanted but being able to be exchange is a prideful matter. I can be proud for it, for myself. Think of all the good and positive side and I decided to give it a try although I still have no good feeling about Kuala Lumpur.

To be frank about Kuala Lumpur and why I don't really like it is because I keep comparing it with Singapore, another home of mine. WHICH IS SO SAFE AND JUST SO DISCIPLINE. I don't know, call me bias or what, but the vibe that Kuala Lumpur gave me just sickened me and made me so ill about it. AND IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY HOW I THINK, YOU CAN STOP HERE NOW. don't want to offend you more.

I've never really been a loyal supporter for my own country. A good citizen who defend their country. Yeah I bet most people are like me so don't bash me. And to think that I am at a legal age to vote, It just scares me so much. It was like I'm still so young the day before and BAM reality hits you so hard that you feel like you just got run over by a truck. Remember I said I'm not a loyal citizen right? And yeah you can mostly guess where my votes go to then. :D (Don't worry, I'm not into politic at all. So I don't give a fuck shit about that)
My political view be like ....


cliche... very ciche... You know you love me anyway...

And oh. If any of you reader see me in Kuala Lumpur mall in the coming days, PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME. Just leave me alone. :D I'm shy

I'll just write till here. YUP.. signing off.
Will update tomorrow on my shopping haul if i manage to get what I originally wanted on my shopping list.




I have officially graduated..

I wanted to thank my parent for bla bla bla bla.. 

*Acting much*

Okay so yes as said above, i have graduated 2 days ago. It was really grand.. because it was just a diploma graduation so i did nit invite any guest . Not even my parents.  They agreed not to go so don't accuse me for not inviting them... does that sentence make sense?? Kkkkk

And so i will post the photos we  took that day.. not the official one though. Its all selfie and shyts. Hahaha..

Signing off. 
Better congrats me or else i will end you in your dream.. ok nope. Joke?. Kkk



Rom pov on :" dawn of the planet of ape"

I'm back with another blabbering post.

I'm not gonna be sad this time so don't worty or cringe your face when you read. Haha.

I just came back from movie. Watched "Dawn Of The Planet Of Ape".

The storyline is very very straight forward that I can know what will happen next. Its not a bad thing though.
The ape was very very surreal. The movement, the way they talk, the appearance when closeup... all was superb. Salute to the production crew.
The movie, for me, consisted of a lot of suspense. This moment they are talking then BAM! On the next second. Its not those scary type but still got me to sink lower into my seat. *yeah go ahead and laugh at me*
The only thing i don't like about the movie is that there's a tad bit too much of fight scene. But. That was the main selling point of the movie i guess. It was good but i dont really like it because blood blood blood. I hate blood.

I actually learnt a few marale from the story itself.

"Your closest teammate might be your worst enemy."
"Think before you act"
"Humanity and their fear"

Though some does not make sense but they made a hell lot of senses to me, at least.

So if i was to rate this movie, I'll rate this movie a 3.8/5  .... *dont hate me* that is just my personal point of view....


See.. i am not sad today. Though i might get sad anytime. Lol. Thanks to my friend though. He keot me distracted enough most of the time and kept me thinking positive. Im not going into details cause i scared i might get sad.. lol.. i'll tell you all how he helped me when i write again. Okay? Kkkkk..

Signing off now... but first let mr. Paranoid take a selfie.



Blabbering nonsense

Hi there to all silent reader,

I am becoming active on my blog once again. Yup cause i just installed blogger apps on my phone. And yes again i am updating from my phone. It is so easy and convenience.

As you all know, things had been tough on me lately and i have not much of a choice for my life. And well i don't really embrace it well. Reality hurts, and it hurts like a bitch on period.


I wanted to be someone successful
* who doesn't, unless you are weird*
Hereby, imma gonna reveal my dream i had mentioned previously.
It is either I wanted to be a writer or an artist.
I know it sounds downright rediculous.extremely stupid.
Firstly my english is weird and being artist is way more rediculous.
Well what can i do? I love to read and write.
I love to perform on stage. I really do.
But as i said. Reality hurt like bitch on period.
Yup and i am not the kind to embrace it with motherly hug or whatnot.
Im those kind who drill myself deeper down the hole of despair... make sense? Good.

I need a mentor and someone who will lead me. Thats all i ask for. I seriously need to move on from my broken dream. I feels so bad that my heart quench every time i wake up.
*i sound like someone who just got a heartbreak*
Which is partially true. Only that i lose something not someone.
Talking about someone, when will my soulmate appear. But i am scared like shyt because like i said i cant accept that person... urghhhh this is very confusing and cost me so much of self restraining and not giving into that temptation. I vow to not let it come true but i craved for it so damn badly. So bad that it is worst that Godzilla visiting the city.

*sigh sigh*

I just hope everything will be alright after i started my class this coming mid of august. Gonna be a freshman once again. But i am hoping that i will just go through life normally amd not falling head over heels over someone.

Yup. Wish me luck?

I'll write till here and off i go now.. tadada..

Buh bye.  I might update again tonight if i feel like continuing my blabbering. :)



Thoughts vomit

Hi there!! It's me again *yeah yeah since it's my blog of course it will be me*
Mr thoughtful decided to pay me a visit.

I still cannot decide what am i going to be in the near future which will be in 2 years time. Since that will be when my degree be finishing.
I don't want to regrety whole life knowing that i chose to gave up everything just to live a normal life. What i mean is that i do not want to regret in giving up my dream , my passion just to live a life that people wanted me to.
A part of me wanted to proof them wrong. But i am scared of wasting my time away and i am scared that even if i do, no one will even support me because they will think that it will be such a stupid decision to make. I dont want that..
I've always been special.
I think differently.
I act different.
I can read faces.
I'm full of secrets.
I am so different from my frirnds because they are going the right way in which im lacking off. They don't bend the way i do and i'm ashame of myself. I blamed and still blaming myself. I'm such a black sheep of the family. I can never say it out loud. I can never act what i want. I have to stay strong to keep my family name clean.

It is that serious. I guess you figured out mydarkest secret?

I don't want to be call names. I wont do it to others because i know how painful it can get deep inside and no one can help you because it is meant to be kept and suffer for ownself.
People like me deserve to suffer though because i am a walking sin. A mortal sin. I've admitted to myself not long ago and realised i have no turning back. So my friend. My dear friend. If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Keep it a secret and never let me know.
Even if i die, or disappear, promise me to forever keep it.

I feel like dying? Yes. When you figured out something and admit defeat to ownself, and that sonething is bad, you want to live but its hard because all you can think is death.

It's not i wanted to be like this. Act this way. I was born this way. I will always hate myself.

Thats why my friends ask me why am i helping others so much.

My answer : i know how painful it is deep inside when u need help and support. Even a silent support is desperately needed.

They gave me questioning look. I know i might not make sense. But i will never going to see the light after my death because i walk and sin mortally. Therefore i will help people to live a happier life and reduce pain. I help all i can. I pray for them. I'm not putting up a show now. I just really hope i can help.

People think im a freak and a loner and anti social.

I cant do what normal people do though. Im not telling why because the reason is obvious.

I am not ready to tell me best friend about myself though i suspected that they knew. I am just a coward who is afraid of losing and being abondened.

So please forgive me.

I think i had vomitted enough thoughts.

Till here then
Im signing off..


Photo retweeted from @relatablequote from twitter.


Inner me. Inner Rom.

Hi silent readers.

As you all know my self declare crisis... its still ongoing only thing is its getting better.

I've been through a lot. Asking herr and there. What i got was, people who are not borned with silver spoon and silk cloth, have to postpose their dreams before they try to catch them again.

As for me. My dream only allowed me to grab them while i am still young. Age matters for my dream and i am very sad and hurt to say at least. I cant reach them. I watched them slipped away. I cried and i could not and cannot do anything.

I'm embracing the truth bits by bits. The reality. The pain. I know i am always those dramitic type. Making a big fuss over something. But that's me. That' s what the topic today is about.

There is thi voice inside of me telling me to try. Ty and catch my dream. But who am i kidding with. That dream is so far away and without any support i can't reach it.

It is getting farer now. I can barely see it now. Some people just do not understand the pain and they kept on saying things that hurt and pained you like bitch. Life is hard. But it is too hard for me. I can barely breathe. Kept stuck inside a room with four walls. Cant get out and fly. I wanted someone to tell me :-
"it is okay to try, come back home when you fall, i will help you stand again."
No one seems to really know me.
I'm scared of being forgotten and abondened.
I cannot be alone.

He is lack of love, they said.
He is stupid, they said.
He is so insecure, they said.

I am wondering about those too. What have i done to deserve such life with so many thoughts while my driends live and stay carefree, of course some trouble here and there but nothing like mine.

I am babbling again. Well that's why i'm here anyway. Friends and families read my blog. I know but they just kept as quiet as an empty room. Even empty room gives echo.

I'm really hoping someone would be there everytime i fall. Someone who could be there to support me. I told them this.
They told me i think too much. All you need is either a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But they dont do that. They might be there but they cant always stand you unles they really do care about you like they care for themselves.

I am not desperate. I vow to walk alone. I just need support. I believe in hope.
Though a sinner like me should never really hope much.
I tried hope and hope high and huge. I ended up falling so hard that i dont even dare to tell anyone. And here i am again hoping high and huge. Soaring through the sky with just one little dream. I can see myself falling though. I just hope i land safely.

Beautiful stranger.
Crossed my life mysteriously.
Beautiful stranger.

I just hope that everything will turn out fine.
I just hope that i get to find a job after this.
I just hope i get to be normal.
I just hope i can get a peaceful life.
I just hope that i will be fine soon.

Thabks for reading this. Its like reading this with me and being here for me spiritually.
Drop me some comment if u want too. A smiley will do. :)

I'm signing off. See you soon.



Life and misery

Hi readers..(not sure if anyone's reading this, maybe i am just talking to my blog itself)

I know im not a really loyal blogger. :) sorry for that. If you really finish reading my misery, i thank you with everything.

Its gonna be me rambling about my worries again. I'll get straight to ramble.

It is eating me inside out. Every moment every ticking second, i am having this internal self war. I have no clue and i am not sure what i want to do in my life. My future.

I am not talking about love. I have never love and probably never will love. Yeah yeah. I am a coward. Im just afraid of getting hurt. I never like getting hurt even physically. I know i should not be talking about love but i cant stop after getting in this stupid thing called love. Watching my crush stepping out without making a sound and still keeping my smile on. Yes. I have had several crush. Both genders included. I am not ashamed of saying this but i am afraid. Afraid of how people will see me. Afraid of how my friends will react. But i hope that to those who really trust me will not hurt me with words. Saying it here is better than the real confrontation. I never like confrontation because its either i get hurt or the other party get hurt.

Internal war of thoughts. Not thoughts of success. I am so scared of what is going to come into my life. What am i in the near future. Where will i be. Will it bey dream job or will i be what i think and dream of what i will be.? Everything is a mess. And by every passing second, the goal that i originally held on to starts to fade and diaappear. It is getting blurry. The road ahead used to shine so bright but now it is getting foggy. Seeing how my friends move on and walk down their path smoothly scares me. I thought giving up life once or twice. But the thoughts of disappointingmy parents and best friends halt my action. I am thankful for that. Maybe it was one part of the spiritual support they sent me unconsciously.

Have you ever thought of leaving this world so that you will have never to suffer from being a mess in life and being a mess in others people life where they have to watch out for youeven when they have their own partner and family to take care of? I did. And it is cutting me slowly and painfully. I do not want to be a load for my friend and family. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to be succesful. But i cant do it now. Maybe the me in the past few months can. But not now. I'm a weakling, a coward and someone who loses his goal slowly. You might think i wrote this and realiaze and gonna do changes to my own negative perspective. The answer is YES. I did and it was not working. All thoughts of strenghten up leads to one decision... death. I am scared. I wanted to live on. But something is holding me back. It's like i've been chained up and i don't like that. I wanted to spread my wings and fly. I wanted to be free. I wanted to give my dream a try. I wanted the people i love to support me. I wanted the people i love to tell me it's okay to fall. I wanted them to catch me. I wanted a shoulder to cry on. It scares me when i think there will be no one at the bottom of the cliff when i try to fly and i drop.

Dear people i love so much. Can you see me through the shining journey of yours.?Can you see me who is now surrounded by fog of despair.?
I won't expect too much. But i really hope you'll be there when i need you most. Any of you who really do care. I know i am pathetic and silly for even questioning the bonds and tie between us. But i just want assurance.

I love you all. And i will try to think straight. I need time. But time dont need me. They fly so fast so smooth that i cant catch up.
I am always the one that left behind.
Pathetic i know.

You never probably will know how it feels like to smile when your heart hurt so much from the wounds that you yourself just stiched up. It still bleed but not much. It hurts to smile. I am not as strong as you think i am. My facade will not break in front of anyone. Maybe a little but it wont get off completely. I am sure there is really no one who knows anyone deep to the core of their heart.

If i ever look through this post again in my near future, i will comment here and tell you all how succesful i am.

Smile. They said. I smile. Live your dreams. They said.... but its not true. I'm living now to catch my dream but people keep pushing me down and let my dreams flutter away.
I am really sad....

So if anyone of you is now reading this line and you are not thinking of how stupid i am, i love you. If you are thinking of how stupid i am for posting this and all those thoughts, i love you too for giving your attention to me.

I love you all.. thank you for listening. I really do.



thoughts on the go

Hello peeps! It had been awhile since i really did any updates. I'm just forgetful like that.

I'm back from my internship training for almost two months and wheres the update? Well, im slacking on my bed most of the time in my dreamland.. yeah eu get what i mean.

Last night(26th april) was a great night. I attended a grand wedding dinner... i can feel the happiness. And then that feeling got me thinking. I tell you, that is a seriously pathetic thinking.

I was like i would love to have someone standing side by side, supporting me, love me, ..... etc too. And then another side of me was like stronger saying i can stand alone. Ibhave been all these while. What's the purpose of  that wall you built around you.? You saw and read lots. You wouldnt want to get hurt.

But i've never gotten hurt! That was what i replied to.

Inner self battle is what some sad person will do. I don't know now.

I mean i am strong enough to stand and battle alone till my death. Aquantice not, i am okay. As long im not hurt. It is selfish but what can i do. Seriously even sucker or moron gets to love and two became one.

I vow to not love and then when i got crushes over crushes last time, i feel like dying. Breaking my vow. But then i still stood strong.. rediculous thoughts took control. I can die. These things are eating me alive.

Well the small light telling me that maybe that person have yet to arrive.. yet. Haha.

Confuse confusion. But i never want him or her to appear.. cause im a scared. Hahaha.. excuses but true. I DONT WANT TO.

I read too much. I've seen too much. And i dont want to be the next victim of cupid.

Yeah i've rejected few people secretly too. And now that i've said it out i'm sure some who read this is going to ask me question especially my fwen. Hmmmm..

So yeah so much for my babbling. Here i end it with a selfie..

Much love from me.
(I wish everyone all the best)