Thoughts vomit

Hi there!! It's me again *yeah yeah since it's my blog of course it will be me*
Mr thoughtful decided to pay me a visit.
Amd
That
Makes
Me
Think
So
Much
Like
Right
Now.
......

I still cannot decide what am i going to be in the near future which will be in 2 years time. Since that will be when my degree be finishing.
I don't want to regrety whole life knowing that i chose to gave up everything just to live a normal life. What i mean is that i do not want to regret in giving up my dream , my passion just to live a life that people wanted me to.
A part of me wanted to proof them wrong. But i am scared of wasting my time away and i am scared that even if i do, no one will even support me because they will think that it will be such a stupid decision to make. I dont want that..
I've always been special.
I think differently.
I act different.
I can read faces.
I'm full of secrets.
I am so different from my frirnds because they are going the right way in which im lacking off. They don't bend the way i do and i'm ashame of myself. I blamed and still blaming myself. I'm such a black sheep of the family. I can never say it out loud. I can never act what i want. I have to stay strong to keep my family name clean.

It is that serious. I guess you figured out mydarkest secret?

I don't want to be call names. I wont do it to others because i know how painful it can get deep inside and no one can help you because it is meant to be kept and suffer for ownself.
People like me deserve to suffer though because i am a walking sin. A mortal sin. I've admitted to myself not long ago and realised i have no turning back. So my friend. My dear friend. If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Keep it a secret and never let me know.
Even if i die, or disappear, promise me to forever keep it.

I feel like dying? Yes. When you figured out something and admit defeat to ownself, and that sonething is bad, you want to live but its hard because all you can think is death.

It's not i wanted to be like this. Act this way. I was born this way. I will always hate myself.

Thats why my friends ask me why am i helping others so much.

My answer : i know how painful it is deep inside when u need help and support. Even a silent support is desperately needed.

They gave me questioning look. I know i might not make sense. But i will never going to see the light after my death because i walk and sin mortally. Therefore i will help people to live a happier life and reduce pain. I help all i can. I pray for them. I'm not putting up a show now. I just really hope i can help.

People think im a freak and a loner and anti social.

I cant do what normal people do though. Im not telling why because the reason is obvious.

I am not ready to tell me best friend about myself though i suspected that they knew. I am just a coward who is afraid of losing and being abondened.

So please forgive me.

I think i had vomitted enough thoughts.

Till here then
Im signing off..

Rom
Xoxo

Photo retweeted from @relatablequote from twitter.

Current fears, worries, & issues

HI dear readers.

I'm here to let my heart out.

I have been paranoid and worrying over some issues since last week and I am currently in a some what bad condition.

I am going to have my internship in Singapore this coming Tuesday(20/08/13) for 6 months long.

I am scared and literally scared. I am paranoid and I have not been eating properly. I am so down that I don't even really smile when I am at home, unless you take me out cause I really needed fresh air.

When I am out from home, I feel more relieved and I don't think so much. All those thoughts of things that are possible to happen kept flashing through my mind. I just can't stop it. I am frustrated too. 

6 months seems long, 25 weeks seems fast. but they are the same thing. I just hope that everything goes smoothly and time pass by fast. like super fast. After that, then I will be back here.

I really do hope that everything will like pass by without me knowing much. And as mush as I work, I hope I have time to actually go online and not be like someone who get off work late and back home and sleep. I don't want that. 

I know it is gonna be tough for people are employing us. 6 months. Please pray for me and my friends. I don't ask for much. I just want everything to be okay and smooth, safe and time flies.

What is on my mind right now??

 INTERNSHIP!

The worst thing that I fear most is something I have no idea what am I worrying about. It's just there that makes me hard to breath, I can cry anytime,and I have no mood.

Like every time when I am down, I used to listen to music. But now, I can't even play those musics that i like so much, because they remind me of those times I am at home. carefree.

Yes! main problem is that I am gonna be so HOMESICK. I will definitely miss my mum. 

Another thing, it would be the colleagues and Housemate. yes, we are sharing apartment with others. I really do hope that my colleagues and housemates are friendly and nice people. People who are willing to teach and accept us. (LORD GOD, PLEASE HELP ME)

I know time flies, but it was before, I have no idea if I will have that feeling of time flying so fast when I am there in Singapore. Singapore is a safe country, I know that, but it is still a foreign country for me. I mean I have been there a lot a lot of times but This will ever be my first time going there ALOE for 6 MONTHS for WORK.

I know some of you might laugh at me even before you read till here, but I am just scared.

I have safe issues. I am insecure. 

But think about my 3 months in Selangor alone. I managed to overcome too.

*FLASHBACK*

I was being assigned to the army camp in SELANGOR for 3 months and I went alone. NO friends nothing.

I managed to survived 3 months without internet in the jungle. Waking up at 5.30A.M to freshen up before fall in for morning exercise. (I overcome lack of sleep)

I managed to stay in a dorm of 30 people in a room(cause it was an army camp) which I do not and didn't have any idea who are they for 3 months and I managed to survived either. (I overcome the fear of trust)

I've never been in to Selangor before. That was my first time there and 3 months for a first timer was longer than expected. Time in there passed by so much slower. What I did there was pray and wrote diary. 

The day never ended fast and it was mostly filled with drama. DRAMA as in things happening. mostly bad things because some teammates just can't think. 

I still remember the moment I was at the airport, I bid my parents goodbye and to board the plane, I never once turned back and bid them good bye for the second time, and they understood why. WHY!? I might cry even harder. I am a homely guy. Well mostly because I have safety issues like I said before, insecure. 

EVERYTHING THAT HAS PASSED! I OVERCOME!! i am sure I can make it this time but a small part of me is still scared. that's why this post was created. I felt so much better after writing the flashback part. 

- "My friend told me that I was never weak, from the time he knew me till now. He said I am a fighter, I am myself, I am someone who knows how to fight on my own way. I might not look strong on the outside, but I have my way to achieve things. "

Know what?  I cried even harder after hearing that fro my friend. But in a good way. Those words really soothed me. It feels like someone is finally here lending you his shoulder. I am glad that there was people who actually cared about my pathetic excuses of life.

*FLASHBACK ENDS*


SO yeah, it will be nice if you pray for e and my friend who are having internships too. Pray that everything goes smoothly, everything is fine, everyone is safe and sound, and the day we reunite it will gonna be he best day of my life. 

The truth is that, I am gonna miss my parents so much, miss home, miss my friend...

NEW ADVENTURE ahead of me, I know it must be the obstacles of life that people said. It must be something that I must overcome. I KNOW I CAN DO IT! i really want full faith in myself but I will try to build up the other half of it.

****Lord god, Please hear me, I hope that my employer will be someone nice and understanding and colleagues are nice and understanding as well. Send your Guardian Angel guide me and my friends who are in other countries having internships as well.May all of us be safe and good condition. The moments there will be something that we should remember and take it as example for our life as it will be our first step. Let us have enough rest each day. I know that enough rest are not really possible sometimes. Amen.****

May my journey begins~~






regards,
ROM

XOXO.

(I will try to update when i have time, I can make use of my blog as a diary too)...